Since my medical retirement two years ago, I have been asked a question multiple times that I can't seem to stop thinking about. I get asked if I could go back to when I was first concussed would I do anything different? Obviously, everyone has past decisions that they wish they could change, but if I made different choices would I have been staying true to myself?
The easy answer if I would have done anything different would be yes. Yes, I would have stopped playing the second that I got hit in the head. Yes, I would not have played through any pain. Or ultimately, I would have been completely honest with my trainers and myself about the severity of my injury. The problem with all of these answers is that by changing what I did, I would also be changing the formula that got me to one of the top universities in the country.
Growing up, I was never the most-talented player on the court. My skills were always a little rough around the edges and standing at 5'10", I was considered a "short" setter. What made me stand out on the court was my absolute love of the game. I was the annoying one that most teams hated playing, because I was so loud on the court. I was constantly diving into walls, scores tables, or bleachers, never letting anything get in the way of me getting to the ball. In my club coach's words, "If you asked Mariah to run through a wall, she would do it without any hesitation".
I sacrificed everything I needed to in order to be one of the top recruits in the country. The sad truth of the matter is that I would not have gotten to where I was if I was not willing to sacrifice my body for my sport. My parents gave my siblings and I all that they had and more. They had three kids playing club sports that took us all over the country. With the sacrifices they made to allow to fulfill our dream, I would have been cheating them and myself if I did not give the same amount of commitment. If I had to stop playing every time I felt pain, then I would have never been on the court. We learned to ignore pain and push toward our goal.
Now, keep in mind that I am extremely grateful for the mentality that was instilled in me as an athlete. This mentality has helped me be successful in many other areas of my life. I see a goal and I am willing to sacrifice what ever is needed to obtain that goal. I am reliable, because I was taught to always put my teammates in front of myself. And most importantly, I will never forget that being on time is considered late.
So when I wake up every morning with post-traumatic headaches, I would be lying if I did not think about if I would have gone back. If I chose to just go to school as a student and didn't put my sport in front of my health, it is not as easy of an answer as everyone else thinks. Athletes are wired a certain way and if we changed our drive, discipline, or commitment than we would not be the same person. I am grateful that I have an athletes mentality, because no matter what life throws at me I know I will tackle it with the same passion as I did on the court.